The Ettin
One day we were driving to the Florence mall, I was sitting in the back listening to John Mellencamp on my .mp3 player. My mom and babysitter Nila were there. I was singing the lyrics to Human Wheels as I was kicking the back of Nila's seat
"Stop kicking my seat!" Nila shouted.
"Okay, fine," I told Nila. After a long car drive, we finally arrived at the mall. We went into the food court and I got my favorite dish, Orange Chicken. As I was eating I was doing the horrible Annoying Orange noise. Then a guy dressed like a fox walked up to us,
"Hey dude, the mascot convention is that way," I said to the guy in a half-joking way.
"Matt's that's not nice," Mom said to me.
The guy then sat down and told us a scary tale about a monster called an Ettin that dwells outside of the mall. The Ettin is an ogre with two heads that holds a club. He told us that it ate an old lady just last night. The guy then took my fortune cookie and walked away,
"Do you think that guy's crazy?" Nila asked me.
"He's walking around a mall dressed like an antropomorphic fox. What do you think?" I said. Then we went to Hot Topic and saw a sign outside the story that said "Beware of Ettin,".
"It must be that fox guy playing a prank on us," I said to Mom.
In Hot Topic we saw a cool shirt of a bigfoot fighting a yeti.
"Could I buy this shirt?" I asked Mom.
"It would like nice on you," Nila said on you. I then went to pick up the shirt and a portal appeared.
"Let's go into this portal and see what's on the other side," I said to Mom and we ended up in a cave. In the cave, we saw a two-headed ogre gnawing on bones.
"Excuse me sir, can I ask you for directions?" I asked the ogre.
"Come here, I have a surprise for you," the ogre said to me and then he pulled out a club and clubbed me over the head with it.
"Don't you hurt my son like that!" Mom shouted and the ogre punched her.
"I've played Fate and killed many ogres. But you are by far the most rude," Mom said.
Mom then found a sword on the ground and shouted,
"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, I AM SHE-RA!".
"What the heck was that?" Nila asked Mom.
"I just wanted to make a pop-culture reference," Mom said.
Mom then charged at the Ettin and stabbed him. The Ettin was never seen from that day forth. We then left the cave and were standing in the mall parking lot for some reason.
"Do you think maybe that ogre was the Ettin?" I asked Mom.
"Ummmm, yeah," Mom said.
The Day I Learned To Fly
One hot Summer day, me, Mom, and Dad were bored. So we decided to pass the time by watching the movie Rio. I really liked the movie, but it got me kinda depressed. The movie made me wish I could fly. I was in my room crying and out of nowhere, a genie appeared.
"Are you a ghost?" I asked the genie.
"No, I'm a magical djinn called an Efreet from the deserts of Egypt. I have been trapped in a bottle for millions of years and am here to grant you one wish," the genie said to me.
"I wish I could fly," I told the genie.
"Here is your wish, AZARATH METREON ZINTHOS!" the genie shouted and I started flying.
"Wow, this is cool, thanks man," I said to the genie and he disappeared. I then flew out in the big room and said,
"Mom, Dad, I can fly now. A genie granted me this wish. I'm gonna go talk to some girls. Who knows I might find the Jewel to my Blu," I told Mom and Dad.
"Be careful," Dad said.
"Genie's wishes always come with a price," he told me.
"Oh, relax," I told Mom and Dad and flew into Vevay. I met a cute girl named Kaylee.
"Hi Kayla it's me Matt. Do you remember me from Acting Class?" I asked her.
"Yes I do, your The Big Bad Wolf right?" she asked me.
"The one and only," I told her.
"How are you flying?" Kaylee asked me.
"Funny story, really, you see," I said and then I started growing feathers, my nose changed into a beak, and I began to shrink to bird size.
"What the heck? I'm turning into a bird," I said and then flew home. I went to Mom who was doing dishes and said,
"Mom, I'm a bird now,"
"Awh, you look so cute. Does Mattie want a cracker?" she asked me.
"Not funny Mom. Could you please cancel tonight's trip to the gas station. I don't want to eat chicken livers, it's like eating my own liver," I said to Mom.
"Okay, fine, we'll go to KFC," Mom said.
"Not funny," I said to Mom and then went into my room and starting blasting the song Rocking Robin.
"Wow, this really sucks," I said.
"I'm gonna have to marry a bird and have birds kids. I think I'm gonna be sick," I said and then the Efreet appeared again.
"Your Dad warned you, didn't he. Genies are tricky. Now if you want to be a human again, you must give me your eyes," the genie said.
"MY EYES?" I asked the genie.
"Yup, and I will replace them with cute little buttons," the Efreet told me.
"No way am I trading you my eyes. But you can have one thing," I told the genie.
"How about the Garbage Pail Kids movie on DVD. It's the best movie ever," I said to Efreet.
"Seriously, how good is it?" the genie asked.
"It got five stars on Rotten Tomatoes," I said to the genie.
"You know what, I'll go home and watch this movie. Your a human again," the genie told me and I turned back to normal. When the Genie got home, he literally pulled his eyes out watching the worst movie ever.
Raggedy Suzy
One day, me and Aunt Shelley went to a little store down in Madison called The Dollhouse. We walked in and it was filled with all kinds of stuffed animals.
"Aunt Shelley," I said to her.
"I have to use the bathroom,"
"Hurry up, I'm going to pick out a toy to give to my Angel Tree kid," Aunt Shelley said.
I then went to the bathroom and saw a doll with a button that said "Press me,". I pressed the button and the doll walked up to me and said,
"Hi my name is Raggedy Suzy and your name is?"
"I'm Matt," I said to the doll.
"I have been trapped in this bathroom for years and never got pressed by anyone, so now I am going to do something I've always wanted," Suzy said to me.
"What is it?" I asked her.
"Kill," Suzy said.
"Oh crap," I shouted and ran for the door but this creepy doll was chasing me with an antique knife.
"HELP!" I screamed and Aunt Shelley showed up.
"Nobody messes with my nephew," she said and ripped the doll's head off.
"Oh no, I've been beheaded," the doll said and fell to the ground dead.
"Wow, Aunt Shelley that was pretty cool. How did you learn those skills?" I asked her.
"I've seen Kung Fu Panda 27 times," she said.
"That's nice but you do know your in the men's room right?" I said to Aunt Shelley.
"Yep, this is kinda awkward," she said to me.
The Yeti's Homestead
One Winter morning, I was really bored. I was snowed in and had nothing to do but watch old cartoons on Boomerang which trust me there's only so much Smurfs you can take. So I decided to do something productive and go outside. I went outside to play with my dog Rooster and saw a yeti.
"What are you, are you a snow gorrilla?" I asked the yeti.
"My people have been looking for a place to stay for ages so we decided where's a better place than your yard," the yeti said.
"Would you like to join in my igloo for some hot cocoa?" the yeti asked me.
"Sure, let me run in and get some marshmallows," I told him. So I went in the house, grabbed some marshmallows, and was ready for my first yeti party. Then I went and followed him to the backyard and saw a large igloo.
"Welcome to my igloo," the yeti said.
I went into the igloo and saw a bunch of yetis, playing pool, watching TV, and eating warm grilled cheeses. One yeti wearing a Kermit the frog shirt walked up to me and asked,
"Are you a Muppet fan?"
"I'm a huge Muppet fan, why do you ask?" I said to him.
"Because we were thinking about spending the day watching Muppet Treasure Island and then comparing it to the original story," he said.
"That sounds like fun!" I said to the Muppet yeti and we spent all day watching the movie. While we were at the Cabin Fever part, I had a strange sound coming from the kitchen. I went into the kitchen and saw my friend, Dalton tied up.
"Why are you tied up?" I asked him.
"Yetis are horrible, I tell you. They may seem nice, but they use things you like and capture you. Yetis hate humans," Dalton said and I untied him. Then a yeti walked in and saw what I was doing,
"HEY, DON'T UNTIE THAT BOY! GET HIM!" the yeti shouted and tons of yetis charged at me. I was looking for a weapon to fight them off with, but all I could find is a can of spinach. Since I spent the whole morning watching old cartoons, I decided to give it a go and boy did that help. I then got the strength of Popeye and started punching all the yetis. It got to the point where they were so easy to beat. Afterwards, I left through the front door and saw Gaga waiting for me with a plate of chocolate chip cookies.
The Closet Monster
When I was little, there was a monster in my closet. He was a green creature with horns, scales, and bat wings. I'm not sure where he came from, but I remember it as clear as day. One day, my mom and dad were at a Christmas party, I was sleeping and I heard sounds coming from my closet. At first, I was too scared but I grabbed a flashlight and opened it up. The first thing I saw was a monster sitting there playing a Gameboy. I screamed and the monster screamed,
"What are you doing in my closet?" I asked him.
"I am just a monster. Don't all kids have one in their closet or under their bed," the monster said. I then pulled out a toy gun and said,
"Get out of my closet or I'll shoot you,"
"NO DON'T!" the monster shouted and starting crying like a baby.
"Shhh, shhhh, shhhh, it's okay," I said to the monster.
"I'm not mean, I'm a nice monster. I was going to ask if you wanted to go out for ice cream with me," the monster said.
"But it's 8:00 clock in the evening," I said to him.
"I meant in the kitchen. I've never been outside of your closet in my life," the monster said and we spent the whole night eating ice cream and watching TV. Mom and Dad got home and asked why I'm still up and I said,
"I had fun with a monster,"
"I'm glad your no longer scared of those things, I tried to tell your they're like Elmo," Mom said.
"This guy was a lot like Elmo," I said to Mom and then fell right asleep.
The End
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